Have you ever gone through a time when you just couldn’t understand yourself? Like, why did that movie make you feel sad? Or why did you react so angrily with your partner the other day? I don’t know about you, but I surely have gone through time when I felt like, ‘I’m feeling angry and sad. And I don’t know why!’.
At times like this, I find doing the Five Whys Exercise indispensable. Because we have layers of emotions embedded in our being, and sometimes they are so well hidden that even our conscious self isn’t aware that they exist.
The Five Why exercise involves asking yourself why you did a certain thing, or felt a certain way at least five times. The more whys you ask yourself, the deeper emotions you reach.
My first brush with the Five Whys Technique
I first used the Five Whys Exercise in a stress management workshop. A lady used to teach her son everyday for two hours. She loved him very much, but confessed that she would sometimes scold him very harshly when he did not pay attention to the lesson during this time. She was well-aware that this scolding was not good for her child and his relationship with her, however, she still did it. I proceeded to do the Five Why Exercise with her.
The First Why
“Knowing the disadvantages, why do you still scold your son when he doesn’t listen to you and doesn’t pay attention to what you’re teaching?”
She thought about it for a second and said, “It makes me very angry that he doesn’t study and does mischievous things when I try to teach him. My anger is unstoppable at that time.”
The Second Why
“But isn’t that the normal behaviour expected from children? Why does it make you so angry?”
She paused for a second, trying to delve deeper, and then replied, “I live in a joint family, and I work hard in the house all day long. Between 3-5pm everyday, regardless of what anyone says, I keep aside time for him. And when he doesn’t pay attention to his studies even after this sacrifice of mine, it angers me.”
The Third Why
“Why does it make you angry? Is it only because of his diverted attention?”
This time, it took her a while. Because she was thinking of something which was contrary to what she had believed in earlier. She said, more quietly now, “No. I get angry because I get very uncomfortable vibes from my extended family at this time, especially my sisters-in-law and mother-in-law.“
The Fourth Why
“Why do you feel uncomfortable?”
The answer was swifter now. I guess she had reached her basal emotions. And due to the same reason, she was almost in tears by now too. “Because my mother-in-law expects me to do all the work at home. She doesn’t tell my sisters-in-law to do anything! It just isn’t fair! Why should I do everything?“
The Fifth Why
I comforted her a little before asking her the fifth why. “Why do you feel so angry about that?”
“Because I’m wasting my life! I am more educated than my sisters-in-law. I want to do more things too apart from household duties. But I shall never get the chance to do so because of the family I’m living in.”
As soon as she said it, her eyes shone with self-realization. She smiled as both of us marvelled at how the human brain works. Her problem was that she scolded her son harshly for not studying, hence ruining their relationship. The superficial cause for this was that she felt it would ruin his academic performance. The actual cause was that she was dissatisfied with her own life and wanted a sense of purpose.
Her unfulfilled life purpose was ruining her relationship with her son.
The Five Why in your life
So this is what the Five Why exercise is all about. What you discover about yourself will blow you away! Whenever I feel extremely angry at a situation, I take a deep breath and ask myself why I am feeling so. Sometimes, the person I am blaming is genuinely to blame. But a lot of times, the anger I feel is due to some other unresolved past issue that I have.
Trust me, the latter observation has helped me avoid a lot of conflicts and save my relationships!
Steps of Five Why Exercise
1) Recognise that you are feeling negative about a certain situation and you are about to act rashly.
2) Pause. Take a deep breath.
3) Ask yourself what you are feeling.
4) Once you name your emotions, ask yourself why are you feeling this way.
5) Probe deeper. Keep asking yourself why till you reach the deepest most reason for your negative emotion. The number of whys could be three, or they could be more. Remember, it is not the number, but the correctness of the questions that you ask yourself.
So there it is! Here’s my most trusted route to emotional self-awareness. Hope you apply it to your life as well and find some value in it.